Lessening the hurt that comes with loss

ALEX BOYLES/Poca

By Paige Lavender
Riverside High School

Death cannot be avoided. Everyone has experienced the death of an acquaintance or loved one at some point in his or her life, and it is always a difficult and painful ordeal. However, when the death happens to someone young and/or as the result of a tragedy, it can be even more difficult.

Every year, high schools in West Virginia must deal with the death of students, and no matter what the cause of death, such an occurrence is never an easy thing. So what can students do to make it less painful?

“In dealing with death, I believe you have to do whatever is necessary to grieve,” said Debbie Stanley, a counselor at Riverside High School who has helped many students deal with the loss of loved ones during her seven years at Riverside and before that at East Bank High School.

“If you need to think about all the good memories and laugh, then laugh. If you need to talk to someone about it, then talk to someone. If you need to cry, then cry,” she said.

There are four common stages of grief: shock, denial, anger and resolution. These are emotions that people naturally draw on to cope with death.

Many times when adolescents die, it is an unexpected occurrence, so shock is almost always the first emotion felt by mourners. Feeling numb and denying the reality of the situation are common manifestations of this. This is the stage of grief where classmates, parents, teachers and others reach out to connect with each other and help one another deal with the loss.

After realizing that the death is real, the denial stage begins. A person may find it hard to accept the situation, refusing to believe that someone he or she loves is gone. By denying that the death occurred, people may be trying to protect themselves from the intensity of their feelings regarding the loss.

The next most common emotion is anger. When a close friend, relative or classmate dies, it is not unusual for a person to lash out at other people or God. Especially in the case of a sudden death, people may feel alone and abandoned, helpless. It is during this stage that people may begin to feel guilty about the death, even if they were powerless to prevent it.

Eventually, people will get to a point of resolution, and the pain of their loss will become less evident. Realizing that life will go on, overcoming the grief and feeling that there is an end to the sadness are all aspects of resolution. It is in this stage that people often create memorials or scholarship funds, stage tributes or make dedications in an effort to bring about something positive from the loss.

Stanley assured that although dealing with the loss of a loved one is never simple, it does, in time, become less painful.

“You don’t get over it. It just becomes livable.”